Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!