dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
You Might Also Like
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?