Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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I created you as mosquito food.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Meme Monday.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes