I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
is it earth
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl