She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The honesty is refreshing
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!