Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.