Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
sensitive skin
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.