7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.