Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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I need to get some bricks…
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
fixed it
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy