[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
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How is it still this week?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
#SuperBowl
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people