* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
huge if true: the moon
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal