If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.