My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁