If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Expect the unexporcupine.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*lint rolls you awake*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???