Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people