I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”