Did…did a minotaur write this
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
No. YOU-buprofen.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.