If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Friends that check up on you >
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam