Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.