Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation