My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.