Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Whisper out to librarians!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.