ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
excuse me
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.