[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?