Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.