coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
If looks could kill
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I was bored.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.