My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]