Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.