Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I hope they boil the right one.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
LOL