me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated