I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Bond. Trauma bond.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind