I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Oh boy, $150,000!
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.