I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
You Might Also Like
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.