Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.