“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much