My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
🤣😈🤣
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Oh deer
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that