[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.