ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.