Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Print is alive and well!!!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.