BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
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Bless you
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.