“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’