@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Thinking about Jeff
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates