If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My wedding will be open casket.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.