Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
congratulations to them
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She鈥檚 very healthy but never wants to see me again.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You鈥檙e acting like a baby !
6yo: And you鈥檙e acting like dad !
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 馃ゴ