Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
goldfish mafia
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.