[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.