*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Pickled cat.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target