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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Seek kebab; not attention
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.