If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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I know
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.