Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Guantanamo Bae
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
CRYING